Your face is a jimmy john
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
