i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
