It's Friday. Sex?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Randomize
