you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
