So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
