I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
