Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Randomize
