Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
