She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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