Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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