How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I think a kid would responsible me up
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
