On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
