I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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