I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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