glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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