NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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