Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
