I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
