Your dad touched me again.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
