Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
