Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
