covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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