mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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