I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
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