I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
