My sheets look like a crime scene.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
