Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
