I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
either way he was missing a nipple.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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