This is not my ceiling
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
