she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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