why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
