Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
