So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
