last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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