she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
