I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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