you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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