Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
