i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
