I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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