please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
