my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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