Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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