Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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