I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
