Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
