I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
