9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
