Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Please, let me fuck your mom
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
