She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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