areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
It's Friday. Sex?
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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