Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
