i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
