got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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