I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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