Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
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