at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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