just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
