My balls are so social today.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
