i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize