Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
