420 ftw
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
