i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
