your parents love me but you hate me
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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