Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
