Ambien. No doubt about it.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
