my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
