The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
