Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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